Two weeks ago, I shared my shameful tale of being a mean girl, and at the request of my kids and a few of you, I was encouraged to try to find my old friend that I had hurt thirty years earlier. For the full story, read the previous article here, and when you're ready, come back to catch part two.
It's no secret, I'm not a fan of Facebook, but when it comes to tracking down folks you want to make amends with, there's no better platform. With my tail between my legs, I opened the app for the first time in years and found her. I wrote and re-wrote my apology letter before I finally hit send and closed the app just as quickly as I'd opened it, afraid of what her response may or may not be.
It was one thing to admit my fault to my children; it was a completely different notion to disclose it to the very person I'd hurt so many years earlier.
After a few hours, I opened the app and was completely taken aback. Not only had she responded, but she did it with elegance and humility; I can only pray to emulate.
Here's what she said word for word:
💗 we all have things we are ashamed of and wish we could go back and change. The important thing to remember is to take those mistakes and use them for good. Remember to forgive yourself but also forgive those who may have hurt us. We are all human beings, and we all deserve love, acceptance, and forgiveness. The only one we hurt by withholding forgiveness is ourselves.
Her response put a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. But most shockingly, she gave me the permission to forgive myself and heal.
Here I was thinking I was teaching my kids a lesson in kindness, only to realize I was the one being schooled. Opening up about my regrettable past allowed me to put down shame's heavy baggage.
What started as making amends ended in a whirlwind that seemed to set my soul free of the burden I didn't realize it was carrying. I felt like I walked taller and lighter the next day.
I shared my friend's response with my kids, who were proud of me but still wanted to tell my parents what I did, which proved unnecessary because my dad's subscribed to the newsletter. Without even asking, he knew which friend it was.
And I shouldn't have been surprised; there weren't many single parents raising kids in the south in the 90s, and those that were were doing the best with what they had, so it's no surprise they'd lean on each other for support, sleepovers, and the like...if only I hadn't fudged it up.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) made making amends (step nine) famous as part of the 12-step recovery process, and now I know why. Though the circumstances were different, the pain I caused was not, and it deserved an honest and sincere apology.
The ninth step promises, "we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace."
It's not easy to face your regrets, apologize for something long gone, or admit when we were wrong, but I've learned that making amends gives us the ability to breathe free again.
Being a kid ain't easy, being an adult easy, and being a parent for damn sure ain't any easier, but if we can raise our kids to be kinder than we were, then maybe there's hope for a world kinder than the one we see today.
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